Losing and then finding myself

In 2010, I had a conversation with my husband. I wasn’t doing 8 parties in one night, one more time. I wasn’t going to do solely what he wanted, one more time. It wasn’t just about him, any longer.

I stood up for myself. In our marriage.

The problem?

I didn’t tell him that I had lost myself and needed to find myself again. I just put my foot down and became very vocal about it not just being about him, that I had a voice, that I was exercising that right and he needed to respect it. Period.

But I didn’t tell him why. I didn’t tell him that I was overwhelmed with it just being about him. I was such the wife that I was making a happy home, ensuring that he had what he needed, was doing what worked for us (by way of doing for him) that I never questioned what I wanted. In retrospect, it was similar to the point in Run Away Bride where Julia Roberts’ character (‘Maggie’) figures out which type of eggs she likes. I had to do that for myself.

I had to figure out that I could only do two parties and that I would drive myself.

I had to express that he could choose 2 of the 8 that he really wanted me to go to and he needed to think about it strategically.

I had to determine that my naturally-introverted-self (who happens to be an ambivert) needed to sit on the couch to rejuvenate not be around a bunch of people to get my energy back (he can be around people and be super energized//a true extrovert).

I had to figure out how to be ok with me.

I had to draw a line and ask him to respect it. (even though I didn’t ask until six years later).

I had to realize that there are really three aspects of a marriage, regardless. Me, Him and Us. There should NEVER be a removal of self in a marriage and I thought that it was, in the beginning. I remember Sue Atkinson told me that it’s always three, at our HCA/TriStar gathered wedding shower in 2005. And I didn’t realize what that meant until 2010.

I had lost myself.

I had to find myself as a person who happened to be a wife. And while that might sound harsh…but from a woman who had lost herself in her marriage, it was liberating.

He eventually appreciated it because now, I’m fine with calling his boys and saying, “Hey, he needs a boys weekend! Come get him!” In the beginning I thought we always had to be together…always had to do everything together.

There have been trying times, but…for me, I found myself in (and outside of) my marriage.